I find I am not bouncing back as quickly after surgery as I would like. I'm really trying not to be a whiner. I think I'm really quite good at a number of things in life - whining, for instance! I probably have reason to whine - my legs ache, I'm uncomfortable, I can't sleep well... I'd tell you more, but I might sound like I'm whining!
After getting back to Costa Rica again, my goal was to become less of a wimp each day. (In other words, I really wanted to steadily get my strength back and slowly get back to my normal activity level.) After a few days, I felt like I'd made no progress. I had little stamina, I felt a bit sad and discouraged, and even my recent fresh encounters with the Lord Jesus were only seen in the rear view mirror. As I took a slow, truncated Celestial Walk one morning, I was praying from Hebrews 12. "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
I began to pray, "Lord, I'm not sure this present trial falls into the category of discipline, but I sure know it isn't pleasant! My worry, though, is that I feel like I'm just trying to get through to the other side. I've given up on becoming less of a wimp, and now just hope to get through it - even if it means I come out a weaker person. I have the feeling that's not what You want from me. I think You're OK with me being weak. But, it would be a crying shame to simply endure and not see any harvest of righteousness or peace as a result. Do what You need to so that I won't put this trial to waste."
I can't say anything has changed dramatically. I'm still slugging my way through the trial - mostly sidelined, spending a lot of time between the couch and the bed! But, my attitude has changed. I read this week in Romans 5:3 about exulting in our tribulations, knowing that they bring about perseverance. I'm learning to exult in my trials. I'm learning to "sink into my weakness," as my good friend Sarah wrote me. I want to be a good steward of these tribulations, coming out with better character. According to Romans 8, all of creation (us included) are groaning (along with the Holy Spirit), "waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body." If groaning is good enough for the Holy Spirit, it's good enough for you and me!
I am determined not to be a whiner today, but I WILL be a groaner!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Costa Rica Fast Track
Before traveling to Texas, I knew I would have a little over a week upon return to get my Costa Rica driver's license renewed. However, little did I know that I would have surgery and have my return home delayed.
So, like it or not, on Monday I had to go get my license renewed. The consequences of letting it expire would be to fulfill a new requirement to take a driver's education course and the driver's test! That did not sound like a good option!
Still weakened from the surgery only ten days earlier, I decided I would take a taxi with Kari instead of driving myself. I also took along my cane for two reasons: it would help me walk more steadily, and it might be a passport to the fast track for renewal. Kari was not only my "right hand man," but also hoped to get her Tico license for the first time.
The taxi ride to La Uruca took quite a while, and with recent price hikes, as the taxi meter climbed quickly, I had to keep reminding myself that there was really no better option. Upon arrival at the expansive campus of the Department of Public Safety, Kari told me to wait for her as she made the three block hike to a line to get a slip of paper necessary for a required bank deposit. She got to cut to the front of the line and observe first-hand the inefficiency of the disgruntled employees.
There was nowhere to sit and my energy was quickly fading. Kari and I kept texting back and forth as she waited. I finally found a concrete base of a flagpole and perched there. Knowing we would have to wait in bank lines, I finally texted Kari to say I would walk a block to the bank and start waiting through that line.
There were actually two bank lines - one outside and one inside. I'd just gotten to the head of the outside line, when Kari arrived, panting - the needed slip in her hand. We asked the guard at the bank door if we could go to the preferential window. He was not very sympathetic, but by this time I think one look at my pitiful face convinced him to let us pass by the other 30 people in line inside.
The deposit successfully made, we worked our way back four blocks to Kari's original line (fitting in a Snicker bar and some milk, in hopes of reviving me!). Again, we skipped a two block long line to talk to a guard at the door. He looked through my papers and announced, "You need to go to Paso Ancho to get authorization to put your new residency number on your license." I begged. I cried. But, there was no way around it.
We hiked the three blocks back out to the main street and caught another expensive taxi with a wild driver. From there we hiked in to another government complex and waited through a line of just one person. But, that one person took FOREVER! There was a bench there, and I sat while Kari waited - so tempted to stretch out with my sweater as a pillow under my head!
When we finally got that slip of paper, we wound our way out of the complex back to the street. By the way, outside the door we were barraged with vendors selling everything from driver's manuals to tests with the correct answers (only $4! WAY cheaper than the taxi ride!) to fake licenses!
Arriving at the Uruca complex again, we walked the three blocks back to the original door, passing by a line at least two blocks long! Technically, I should have waited through that line, but my legs could barely hold me up by now, and I was ushered to the front of the INSIDE line, which was about another 30 people!
The employee who took down my information and took my photo was not a happy camper. In fact, Kari and I prayed for all the employees there who looked like they were as happy as prison inmates.
I forced a smile for the license photo, not wanting to live for the next six years with a license reminding me of my renewal experience.
Both of us managed to get our licenses and I made it back home after a five hour fast track and $60 in taxi fees!
So, like it or not, on Monday I had to go get my license renewed. The consequences of letting it expire would be to fulfill a new requirement to take a driver's education course and the driver's test! That did not sound like a good option!
Still weakened from the surgery only ten days earlier, I decided I would take a taxi with Kari instead of driving myself. I also took along my cane for two reasons: it would help me walk more steadily, and it might be a passport to the fast track for renewal. Kari was not only my "right hand man," but also hoped to get her Tico license for the first time.
The taxi ride to La Uruca took quite a while, and with recent price hikes, as the taxi meter climbed quickly, I had to keep reminding myself that there was really no better option. Upon arrival at the expansive campus of the Department of Public Safety, Kari told me to wait for her as she made the three block hike to a line to get a slip of paper necessary for a required bank deposit. She got to cut to the front of the line and observe first-hand the inefficiency of the disgruntled employees.
There was nowhere to sit and my energy was quickly fading. Kari and I kept texting back and forth as she waited. I finally found a concrete base of a flagpole and perched there. Knowing we would have to wait in bank lines, I finally texted Kari to say I would walk a block to the bank and start waiting through that line.
There were actually two bank lines - one outside and one inside. I'd just gotten to the head of the outside line, when Kari arrived, panting - the needed slip in her hand. We asked the guard at the bank door if we could go to the preferential window. He was not very sympathetic, but by this time I think one look at my pitiful face convinced him to let us pass by the other 30 people in line inside.
The deposit successfully made, we worked our way back four blocks to Kari's original line (fitting in a Snicker bar and some milk, in hopes of reviving me!). Again, we skipped a two block long line to talk to a guard at the door. He looked through my papers and announced, "You need to go to Paso Ancho to get authorization to put your new residency number on your license." I begged. I cried. But, there was no way around it.
We hiked the three blocks back out to the main street and caught another expensive taxi with a wild driver. From there we hiked in to another government complex and waited through a line of just one person. But, that one person took FOREVER! There was a bench there, and I sat while Kari waited - so tempted to stretch out with my sweater as a pillow under my head!
When we finally got that slip of paper, we wound our way out of the complex back to the street. By the way, outside the door we were barraged with vendors selling everything from driver's manuals to tests with the correct answers (only $4! WAY cheaper than the taxi ride!) to fake licenses!
Arriving at the Uruca complex again, we walked the three blocks back to the original door, passing by a line at least two blocks long! Technically, I should have waited through that line, but my legs could barely hold me up by now, and I was ushered to the front of the INSIDE line, which was about another 30 people!
The employee who took down my information and took my photo was not a happy camper. In fact, Kari and I prayed for all the employees there who looked like they were as happy as prison inmates.
I forced a smile for the license photo, not wanting to live for the next six years with a license reminding me of my renewal experience.
Both of us managed to get our licenses and I made it back home after a five hour fast track and $60 in taxi fees!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Airline Reservation Mix-Up
I am so happy to be home after two weeks in the USA which included having surgery! The trip seemed terribly long, made all the longer by the other two sitting in my aisle. One of them was a LOUD Canadian man who lives in "Caasta Rica" and was delighted to boast of all he knew about "Caasta Rica" to my seatmate. Supposedly he spoke fluent Spanish. I was so tempted to at least teach him how to pronounce the name of the country where he lives! I could not even drown him out with my iPod and headphones! The music would be blasting my ear drums and I'd still be hearing things like, "Every day on the coast it gets to 115 degrees." (I have never known it to hit 100 at the beach!) My head started to ache half way through the flight and by the if that was because they, too, were irritated with his brashness, or if they thought I was terrified of landing and was saying my prayers. Anyway, I had to laugh because on my flight up to Dallas, my brother "reserved a seat for Jesus beside me." THIS time, I think American Airlines got those reservations mixed up!
God did give me strength equal to the task yesterday. I had good skycaps and wheelchair assistance and it was a breeze to get through check-in, security, immigration, and customs.
Woody and Kari were a wonderful sight to me as I rolled out in a wheelchair! It is so great to be back home and with Woody. Kari and Woody had the house fixed up so beautifully. The campus gardener, Tulio, had picked and arranged flowers for me. Donald had made a frame with Woody to mount my large Bolivian tapestry in our stairwell and it looks AWESOME! And I actually slept all night - something I haven't done in over a year!
I am feeling weak, tired, and uncomfortable. I decided today that my goal will be to become less of a wimp every day - starting tomorrow! Thanks, Vito, for telling me that God loves wimps! I took a very slow, short walk today with my wonderful Celestial companion and taught her a new command: "Heel!" She's not used to walking so slowly. She sure is happy to have me back, though! She is so tender and loving and is amazingly cuddly for a beast of 115 pounds of pure bone and muscle. By the way, it is always amazing to return to the beauty here. We live in the most incredibly gorgeous spot in the world!
Thanks to each and every one of you who have been praying for me (and Woody!) during the past two weeks. We covet your continued prayers. I have to say I have felt very loved and cared for during these difficult days. We have some more difficult days ahead, so don't let up on praying!
God did give me strength equal to the task yesterday. I had good skycaps and wheelchair assistance and it was a breeze to get through check-in, security, immigration, and customs.
Woody and Kari were a wonderful sight to me as I rolled out in a wheelchair! It is so great to be back home and with Woody. Kari and Woody had the house fixed up so beautifully. The campus gardener, Tulio, had picked and arranged flowers for me. Donald had made a frame with Woody to mount my large Bolivian tapestry in our stairwell and it looks AWESOME! And I actually slept all night - something I haven't done in over a year!
I am feeling weak, tired, and uncomfortable. I decided today that my goal will be to become less of a wimp every day - starting tomorrow! Thanks, Vito, for telling me that God loves wimps! I took a very slow, short walk today with my wonderful Celestial companion and taught her a new command: "Heel!" She's not used to walking so slowly. She sure is happy to have me back, though! She is so tender and loving and is amazingly cuddly for a beast of 115 pounds of pure bone and muscle. By the way, it is always amazing to return to the beauty here. We live in the most incredibly gorgeous spot in the world!
Thanks to each and every one of you who have been praying for me (and Woody!) during the past two weeks. We covet your continued prayers. I have to say I have felt very loved and cared for during these difficult days. We have some more difficult days ahead, so don't let up on praying!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Seeing the Hand of God
As I prepared to dive into this intense period of time facing medical testing in Texas, I visualized God's huge hand and me stepping up to it, sitting down in His palm, and buckling up a seat belt. That's been a good image of what this time has meant for me. It hasn't been easy, but I've been firmly in His hand, and there is no better place to be.
Let me share a few ways that His hand has been so evident:
1) Last year I had a horrendous experience with a urologist in Costa Rica. My friend Debra wrote me from Texas and we discovered problems in common. She had found help after years of chronic issues, and recommended her urologist to me. God's hand was obvious in connecting Debra and me!
2) I could not easily get in to one of the top urologists in Texas. I wrote him a personal letter, and the door opened for me to see him during the time frame that worked best for me. Then, to add one more amazing element, he and I exchanged several emails in which he narrowed down my problem - before ever seeing me as a patient!
3) Meanwhile, I was trying to find a gynecologist with experience in an area not well understood by the medical profession. I came up with the name of a nationally recognized physician in Houston who not only heads the OB/Gyne program for Baylor Medical College, but is also heavily involved in research and teaching. I called to ask for an appointment. I was put on a long waiting list and told he rarely takes new patients. After two months on that list, I was told he still was not taking any patients and that I had best look for another option. Meanwhile, I had also written him a letter explaining my situation and the date that would best suit me, if he could possibly see me. Three days after being told it wouldn't be possible to see him, I got a call to give me an appointment for the very day I wanted!
4) Debra and her family were not only happy to host me during my time in Texas, but also to loan me their car for whatever I needed to do.
5) Upon arrival, the urologist was not only an excellent and kind physician, but also managed to pull strings to fit all my testing into a day and a half. (It took Debra two months to have the same testing done!) Even the doctor himself was amazed at how it all worked into peoples' schedules. One nurse volunteered to come in on her day off to oversee a test for me!
6)I was told I would need surgery, but would have to come back in 2011 because the surgical schedule was full. While headed to Houston to see the other physician, I got a call. "Can you come in for surgery tomorrow?"
7) Even more shocking, is that I replied, "Sorry, I can't have surgery tomorrow! I have an appointment in Houston. Can you make it Wednesday?" Who ever heard of the patient dictating to the surgeon when to do surgery that is being squeezed in?!? They said "Yes, come Wednesday."
8)I called Debra and asked if I might be able to stay on several extra days and if she could take me in on the day of surgery. Even though they were in the process of changing the carpet in her house that day, Debra took me in and spent the day with me! The carpet in my bedroom was changed as I was at the hospital and Bill had the guest bedroom all ready for my return!
9) Our health insurance only covers 80% after meeting the deductible. Though we've met our deductible, there is still a huge chunk of change to pay on the remaining 20% until a maximum out of pocket is met. A donor volunteered to cover a large part of our remaining out-of-pocket expenses. (We have yet to see if there will still be more to pay!)
10) Just as an added blessing and evidence that God was pampering me... my surgery was performed on my birthday. The hospital personnel made it a special day and the operating room crew sang happy birthday to me right before putting me to sleep.
10) Debra had a six month follow-up appointment scheduled with the urologist on Monday the 15th. She did not need to keep the appointment and almost canceled it a while back, but felt led to hold onto it longer. On Friday it was decided it would be best for me to go back in before traveling back to Costa Rica. I was actually able to take Debra's appointment. God scheduled it, I know! Who else would have guessed that I'd need an appointment on the morning of November 15, 2010?
11) Though Woody was unable to be with me during the unexpected surgery, during each step of my journey I've had someone put their arm around me and pray. Even the hospital admission clerk, after chatting with me and checking me in, asked, "Could I have my Bible study group pray for you this evening?" I have felt well-loved, even as I've been far away from loved ones!
Now, I sit here wondering if I will actually feel better once I get over the surgery and follow the medical advice I've been given. Should I doubt? Hasn't God's hand been VERY evident so far in this journey?
PS My big thanks to Brian and Stephanie, Jack and Karen, and Lu Ann and Ed, who have been stepping stones of faith in this journey! And, thank you, love of my life, for constant phone calls, love and encouragement!
Let me share a few ways that His hand has been so evident:
1) Last year I had a horrendous experience with a urologist in Costa Rica. My friend Debra wrote me from Texas and we discovered problems in common. She had found help after years of chronic issues, and recommended her urologist to me. God's hand was obvious in connecting Debra and me!
2) I could not easily get in to one of the top urologists in Texas. I wrote him a personal letter, and the door opened for me to see him during the time frame that worked best for me. Then, to add one more amazing element, he and I exchanged several emails in which he narrowed down my problem - before ever seeing me as a patient!
3) Meanwhile, I was trying to find a gynecologist with experience in an area not well understood by the medical profession. I came up with the name of a nationally recognized physician in Houston who not only heads the OB/Gyne program for Baylor Medical College, but is also heavily involved in research and teaching. I called to ask for an appointment. I was put on a long waiting list and told he rarely takes new patients. After two months on that list, I was told he still was not taking any patients and that I had best look for another option. Meanwhile, I had also written him a letter explaining my situation and the date that would best suit me, if he could possibly see me. Three days after being told it wouldn't be possible to see him, I got a call to give me an appointment for the very day I wanted!
4) Debra and her family were not only happy to host me during my time in Texas, but also to loan me their car for whatever I needed to do.
5) Upon arrival, the urologist was not only an excellent and kind physician, but also managed to pull strings to fit all my testing into a day and a half. (It took Debra two months to have the same testing done!) Even the doctor himself was amazed at how it all worked into peoples' schedules. One nurse volunteered to come in on her day off to oversee a test for me!
6)I was told I would need surgery, but would have to come back in 2011 because the surgical schedule was full. While headed to Houston to see the other physician, I got a call. "Can you come in for surgery tomorrow?"
7) Even more shocking, is that I replied, "Sorry, I can't have surgery tomorrow! I have an appointment in Houston. Can you make it Wednesday?" Who ever heard of the patient dictating to the surgeon when to do surgery that is being squeezed in?!? They said "Yes, come Wednesday."
8)I called Debra and asked if I might be able to stay on several extra days and if she could take me in on the day of surgery. Even though they were in the process of changing the carpet in her house that day, Debra took me in and spent the day with me! The carpet in my bedroom was changed as I was at the hospital and Bill had the guest bedroom all ready for my return!
9) Our health insurance only covers 80% after meeting the deductible. Though we've met our deductible, there is still a huge chunk of change to pay on the remaining 20% until a maximum out of pocket is met. A donor volunteered to cover a large part of our remaining out-of-pocket expenses. (We have yet to see if there will still be more to pay!)
10) Just as an added blessing and evidence that God was pampering me... my surgery was performed on my birthday. The hospital personnel made it a special day and the operating room crew sang happy birthday to me right before putting me to sleep.
10) Debra had a six month follow-up appointment scheduled with the urologist on Monday the 15th. She did not need to keep the appointment and almost canceled it a while back, but felt led to hold onto it longer. On Friday it was decided it would be best for me to go back in before traveling back to Costa Rica. I was actually able to take Debra's appointment. God scheduled it, I know! Who else would have guessed that I'd need an appointment on the morning of November 15, 2010?
11) Though Woody was unable to be with me during the unexpected surgery, during each step of my journey I've had someone put their arm around me and pray. Even the hospital admission clerk, after chatting with me and checking me in, asked, "Could I have my Bible study group pray for you this evening?" I have felt well-loved, even as I've been far away from loved ones!
Now, I sit here wondering if I will actually feel better once I get over the surgery and follow the medical advice I've been given. Should I doubt? Hasn't God's hand been VERY evident so far in this journey?
PS My big thanks to Brian and Stephanie, Jack and Karen, and Lu Ann and Ed, who have been stepping stones of faith in this journey! And, thank you, love of my life, for constant phone calls, love and encouragement!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
A Sparrow Named Colossus
Many of you wished me a very happy birthday yesterday, and I am moved by the love and compassion of so many dear friends. My birthday was scattered with bits of joy, but overall it was one of the most uncomfortable days of the year so far. I've slept 2 hours out of the past 24, but can't seem to get to sleep no matter what. I drove five hours from Houston to Dallas yesterday in order to have surgery in the afternoon. When finally back with my hosts, I ate a tiny bit after fasting for 25 hours. My husband and other family are all over 1000 miles away.
So, I breathe a feeble prayer and recruit my limited resources... "my strength is made perfect in weakness," God has said, and I can say "when I am weak then I am strong." As Vance Havner once said, "By that rule I should be a colossus right now, for I couldn't be much weaker."
On Sunday, I heard a marvelous special number at church - the classic I most associate with Ethel Waters and the Billy Graham crusades: "His Eye is on the Sparrow."
Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
It puts a smile on my face in the midst of discomfort when I picture myself as God's sparrow, named Colossus!
So, I breathe a feeble prayer and recruit my limited resources... "my strength is made perfect in weakness," God has said, and I can say "when I am weak then I am strong." As Vance Havner once said, "By that rule I should be a colossus right now, for I couldn't be much weaker."
On Sunday, I heard a marvelous special number at church - the classic I most associate with Ethel Waters and the Billy Graham crusades: "His Eye is on the Sparrow."
Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
It puts a smile on my face in the midst of discomfort when I picture myself as God's sparrow, named Colossus!
Friday, November 05, 2010
Yesterday Jesus Died for Me
In follow-up to what I wrote below, "When Were You Last Moved to Tears?" I want to tell you that yesterday Jesus died for me.
I've had several more special moments alone with Jesus since I last wrote. For instance, on Tuesday I flew alone to Dallas for medical reasons. It's a pretty scary time for me - not knowing what they will do to me or say or recommend. So, I was fervently praying on my trip. I didn't have a book in particular to distract me on the four hour flight, so I paged through my daily agenda notebook, crossing through anything that could be tossed and circling important things to remember. Though it is not my journal, it is peppered with thoughts from God's Word. As I circled those thoughts and passages that have spoken to me in the past weeks, I felt almost as if Jesus were in the vacant seat next to me.
When I arrived in Dallas, I got a Facebook note from my brother, Vito, which said, "Hey, sis! I've asked God to reserve a seat for Jesus beside you on all your flights. Gotcha covered!" God did just that!
On Wednesday I got to wondering why God's timing would have me reading about my Lord being crucified on the very day I would be going to the specialist and having testing done. I also wondered to myself, "If I was crying just thinking about this coming up, what will I do when I read the crucifixion accounts themselves?"
Early yesterday morning I began to read. I was deeply impacted by Jesus' suffering and His compassion in the midst of it. I did shed a few tears, but the meaning and the timing came clear to me throughout the course of the day. I sensed clearly that Jesus died for ME yesterday. That's why He was hanging on the cross on Thursday, November 4th. In the little bit of suffering I went through yesterday, I was only reminded of the suffering He did as He lovingly looked on me and died for my sins.
Oh, what a Savior I have!
I've had several more special moments alone with Jesus since I last wrote. For instance, on Tuesday I flew alone to Dallas for medical reasons. It's a pretty scary time for me - not knowing what they will do to me or say or recommend. So, I was fervently praying on my trip. I didn't have a book in particular to distract me on the four hour flight, so I paged through my daily agenda notebook, crossing through anything that could be tossed and circling important things to remember. Though it is not my journal, it is peppered with thoughts from God's Word. As I circled those thoughts and passages that have spoken to me in the past weeks, I felt almost as if Jesus were in the vacant seat next to me.
When I arrived in Dallas, I got a Facebook note from my brother, Vito, which said, "Hey, sis! I've asked God to reserve a seat for Jesus beside you on all your flights. Gotcha covered!" God did just that!
On Wednesday I got to wondering why God's timing would have me reading about my Lord being crucified on the very day I would be going to the specialist and having testing done. I also wondered to myself, "If I was crying just thinking about this coming up, what will I do when I read the crucifixion accounts themselves?"
Early yesterday morning I began to read. I was deeply impacted by Jesus' suffering and His compassion in the midst of it. I did shed a few tears, but the meaning and the timing came clear to me throughout the course of the day. I sensed clearly that Jesus died for ME yesterday. That's why He was hanging on the cross on Thursday, November 4th. In the little bit of suffering I went through yesterday, I was only reminded of the suffering He did as He lovingly looked on me and died for my sins.
Oh, what a Savior I have!
Monday, November 01, 2010
When Were You Last Moved to Tears?
Yesterday I cried.
I've been reading the Chronological Bible this year. At times the Old Testament readings were a bit long and heavy for me. But, perseverance has paid off and the gospels have meant even more to me after wading through the whole Old Testament.
Before I tell you why I cried yesterday, though, let me tell you of an embarrassing experience in my past. Many years ago while serving in Bolivia, we went to visit a very conservative missionary couple who had worked for decades in the city of Sucre. As a result of many hard years among people hostile to the gospel, they had planted a small, very conservative Brethren church. We went with Gordon and Myrtle to join the small gathering of believers to celebrate the Lord's Supper. As part of the remembrance, one believer or another would request to have a hymn sung. Sadly, the hymnals had only the words in them, so we were unable to read the music of the unfamiliar hymns. The Bolivians attending had no ear for music. Gordon was obviously tone deaf - evidenced by his loud grunting, boisterously following the words in a monotone. Myrtle probably knew the melody line, but her voice was one of those soprano, quivering ones that grate on the ears. Woody valiantly was trying out different melodies to the words in front of him, hoping to make up for the cacophony, but sadly failing to land on a melody to match the lyrics. It was too much for my musical ear and I felt laughter welling up inside me.
Now, I promise you, that it is not appropriate to laugh at the Lord's Table in a conservative Brethren assembly. I made every attempt to stuff my guffaws inside, bending over with my face buried in my hands. I occasionally would get control over myself, only to hear another warble and grunt, and clearly hearing Woody's various melodies run out before reaching the end of the lyrics. That communion service was torture for me, and I knew my career as a missionary was over!
However, in a twist of God's mercy on me, Myrtle came up to me after the service, exclaiming, "How wonderful, Susan! It's been years since I've seen someone moved to tears at the Lord's Table!" I choked out some enigmatic reply, stuffing in my impulse to break out once again into laughter!
Now, back to the present... As I've been reading the parallel gospel accounts of the life of Jesus, I've actually felt like I've been walking alongside my Savior while reading the events of His life and soaking in His words. As I've quickly approached the end of His life on earth, I have found myself feeling more and more grief. Why? I think it's partly because I don't want my time reading the gospels to draw to a close. But also, it's because I am enjoying "being with Jesus" so much, and I don't want Him to die and "leave" me! I feel almost like I am in the disciples' sandals as He is giving them final words.
As I sat down yesterday to read John 15-17, these words struck me like a knife penetrating to my soul. Jesus said to the disciples, "But because I have said these things to you, sorrow has filled your heart." (Oh, Lord! Yes! Sorrow has indeed filled my own heart!)"I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now." (Oh, how I want to hear more of Your words, but I cannot bear more right now. You are so right!) "Therefore you too have grief now." (Yes! I do have grief!)
By this time I was crying. Celeste, at my feet, was craning her head, staring at me. She's not used to such emotion during our quiet times together!
Jesus also said to them, "But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you."
At this, I began to bawl. I know I have the Holy Spirit. But, I wanted so badly to have the actual physical presence of the Lord Jesus! Oh, how I love Him! Oh, how I want to be with Him! Silly me, I prayed and cried aloud, "Please, Lord Jesus! Don't go away! I want You to be with me right here on my front porch!"
I know. It's silly. But, this has been a soul-stirring experience for me. (I've been crying, even as I write this!) Never have I longed so deeply to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus.
I've been reading the Chronological Bible this year. At times the Old Testament readings were a bit long and heavy for me. But, perseverance has paid off and the gospels have meant even more to me after wading through the whole Old Testament.
Before I tell you why I cried yesterday, though, let me tell you of an embarrassing experience in my past. Many years ago while serving in Bolivia, we went to visit a very conservative missionary couple who had worked for decades in the city of Sucre. As a result of many hard years among people hostile to the gospel, they had planted a small, very conservative Brethren church. We went with Gordon and Myrtle to join the small gathering of believers to celebrate the Lord's Supper. As part of the remembrance, one believer or another would request to have a hymn sung. Sadly, the hymnals had only the words in them, so we were unable to read the music of the unfamiliar hymns. The Bolivians attending had no ear for music. Gordon was obviously tone deaf - evidenced by his loud grunting, boisterously following the words in a monotone. Myrtle probably knew the melody line, but her voice was one of those soprano, quivering ones that grate on the ears. Woody valiantly was trying out different melodies to the words in front of him, hoping to make up for the cacophony, but sadly failing to land on a melody to match the lyrics. It was too much for my musical ear and I felt laughter welling up inside me.
Now, I promise you, that it is not appropriate to laugh at the Lord's Table in a conservative Brethren assembly. I made every attempt to stuff my guffaws inside, bending over with my face buried in my hands. I occasionally would get control over myself, only to hear another warble and grunt, and clearly hearing Woody's various melodies run out before reaching the end of the lyrics. That communion service was torture for me, and I knew my career as a missionary was over!
However, in a twist of God's mercy on me, Myrtle came up to me after the service, exclaiming, "How wonderful, Susan! It's been years since I've seen someone moved to tears at the Lord's Table!" I choked out some enigmatic reply, stuffing in my impulse to break out once again into laughter!
Now, back to the present... As I've been reading the parallel gospel accounts of the life of Jesus, I've actually felt like I've been walking alongside my Savior while reading the events of His life and soaking in His words. As I've quickly approached the end of His life on earth, I have found myself feeling more and more grief. Why? I think it's partly because I don't want my time reading the gospels to draw to a close. But also, it's because I am enjoying "being with Jesus" so much, and I don't want Him to die and "leave" me! I feel almost like I am in the disciples' sandals as He is giving them final words.
As I sat down yesterday to read John 15-17, these words struck me like a knife penetrating to my soul. Jesus said to the disciples, "But because I have said these things to you, sorrow has filled your heart." (Oh, Lord! Yes! Sorrow has indeed filled my own heart!)"I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now." (Oh, how I want to hear more of Your words, but I cannot bear more right now. You are so right!) "Therefore you too have grief now." (Yes! I do have grief!)
By this time I was crying. Celeste, at my feet, was craning her head, staring at me. She's not used to such emotion during our quiet times together!
Jesus also said to them, "But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you."
At this, I began to bawl. I know I have the Holy Spirit. But, I wanted so badly to have the actual physical presence of the Lord Jesus! Oh, how I love Him! Oh, how I want to be with Him! Silly me, I prayed and cried aloud, "Please, Lord Jesus! Don't go away! I want You to be with me right here on my front porch!"
I know. It's silly. But, this has been a soul-stirring experience for me. (I've been crying, even as I write this!) Never have I longed so deeply to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus.
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