When Were You Last Moved to Tears?

Yesterday I cried.

I've been reading the Chronological Bible this year. At times the Old Testament readings were a bit long and heavy for me. But, perseverance has paid off and the gospels have meant even more to me after wading through the whole Old Testament.

Before I tell you why I cried yesterday, though, let me tell you of an embarrassing experience in my past. Many years ago while serving in Bolivia, we went to visit a very conservative missionary couple who had worked for decades in the city of Sucre. As a result of many hard years among people hostile to the gospel, they had planted a small, very conservative Brethren church. We went with Gordon and Myrtle to join the small gathering of believers to celebrate the Lord's Supper. As part of the remembrance, one believer or another would request to have a hymn sung. Sadly, the hymnals had only the words in them, so we were unable to read the music of the unfamiliar hymns. The Bolivians attending had no ear for music. Gordon was obviously tone deaf - evidenced by his loud grunting, boisterously following the words in a monotone. Myrtle probably knew the melody line, but her voice was one of those soprano, quivering ones that grate on the ears. Woody valiantly was trying out different melodies to the words in front of him, hoping to make up for the cacophony, but sadly failing to land on a melody to match the lyrics. It was too much for my musical ear and I felt laughter welling up inside me.

Now, I promise you, that it is not appropriate to laugh at the Lord's Table in a conservative Brethren assembly. I made every attempt to stuff my guffaws inside, bending over with my face buried in my hands. I occasionally would get control over myself, only to hear another warble and grunt, and clearly hearing Woody's various melodies run out before reaching the end of the lyrics. That communion service was torture for me, and I knew my career as a missionary was over!

However, in a twist of God's mercy on me, Myrtle came up to me after the service, exclaiming, "How wonderful, Susan! It's been years since I've seen someone moved to tears at the Lord's Table!" I choked out some enigmatic reply, stuffing in my impulse to break out once again into laughter!

Now, back to the present... As I've been reading the parallel gospel accounts of the life of Jesus, I've actually felt like I've been walking alongside my Savior while reading the events of His life and soaking in His words. As I've quickly approached the end of His life on earth, I have found myself feeling more and more grief. Why? I think it's partly because I don't want my time reading the gospels to draw to a close. But also, it's because I am enjoying "being with Jesus" so much, and I don't want Him to die and "leave" me! I feel almost like I am in the disciples' sandals as He is giving them final words.

As I sat down yesterday to read John 15-17, these words struck me like a knife penetrating to my soul. Jesus said to the disciples, "But because I have said these things to you, sorrow has filled your heart." (Oh, Lord! Yes! Sorrow has indeed filled my own heart!)"I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now." (Oh, how I want to hear more of Your words, but I cannot bear more right now. You are so right!) "Therefore you too have grief now." (Yes! I do have grief!)

By this time I was crying. Celeste, at my feet, was craning her head, staring at me. She's not used to such emotion during our quiet times together!

Jesus also said to them, "But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you."

At this, I began to bawl. I know I have the Holy Spirit. But, I wanted so badly to have the actual physical presence of the Lord Jesus! Oh, how I love Him! Oh, how I want to be with Him! Silly me, I prayed and cried aloud, "Please, Lord Jesus! Don't go away! I want You to be with me right here on my front porch!"

I know. It's silly. But, this has been a soul-stirring experience for me. (I've been crying, even as I write this!) Never have I longed so deeply to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus.